milestones (2)

I think that no matter what your dreams or hopes may be, big or small, as long as you have them, they will keep you going. It is easy to let go of dreams and hopes especially when the going gets tough, physically or spiritually, but having them, somehow, gives you strength as you go on. They keep you focused. They give you goals.

For the past year I have had a lot of goals and dreams and I set out to achieve them.

I woke up from surgery with a slurred speech, hearing that was different from before (there were people I can easily understand, there were others I can't), maybe this is due to the burden of my left ear taking on all the work. Since my tumor grew from the right hearing nerve, they had to cut it with the tumor, rendering my right ear useless(for hearing that is.... it is still useful when I wear my glasses). My balance was still bad and my muscles atrophied. I was weak. My sight, though sensitive to light, was a lot improved. And yes, I can move my legs and hands! My fine motor skills ,though, were affected. Even if very weak ( I can hardly stand, nor can I sit down), I can move my extremities. But not sitting down was okay for me then, because when I sat down, I drooled a lot.

So what were my goals?

To be able to hold a mug, to be able to drink and not to use straw when drinking, to be able to swallow food, to be able to eat without more than half of my food being on my clothes or on the floor,to be able to walk to and from the bathroom, to be able to sit on the toilet bowl, to be able to brush teeth, to be able to spit especially when brushing teeth (not just letting the water cascade down my chin, wetting the front of my clothes), to be able to change my clothes, to be able to repeat my exercises for more than three times without being exhausted, to be able to march in place without crumpling, to be able to write legibly, to be able to talk clearly, to be able to remove sunglasses without the light affecting me so much, to be able to have my normal gait, to be able to go home as soon as possible so I can see my children. These were my goals then....they kept me going. As I would see later, there were newer goals as the others were achieved.

The goals that I achieved in the hospital were to be able to swallow and to be able to sit up. Although I was able to walk to and from the bathroom, I did it with help. I also required help when sitting down but no help to stay sitting down. So I consider this to be an achievement. It took me months to achieve the others. Two months to brush my teeth, around the same time to stop drooling, about two weeks to be able to change clothes, six months to achieve my near normal gait, about a month to be able to hold a mug, seven months to not use straw when drinking, a month to be able to repeat my exercise for more than three times each without feeling overly exhausted, about a month not wearing sunglasses even in bed, about six months to eat properly. And , oh I forgot to mention, I could not eat and talk at the same time. If I did both, I tended to choke or to bite my tongue or cheek. It took about five months for me to be able to do both.

I do not have a time frame for my speech because most of the time when I get tired and when I am stressed or when my facial therapy is discontinued for two days or so, I slur. I sound normal most of the time, though. But I think I got the comment from my sister that I sounded like "Bits" was about two and a half months after surgery.

It will soon be a year since my surgery. With help and therapy, I achieved a lot (I still have more to achieve, though). Many milestones have been planted along my road. Milestones........ monuments to hope, perseverance and commitment.