the feeling of dying

I thought i was going to die... that was how I felt one year ago.I just gave birth to an adorable baby girl who has a wide vista of future in front of her and there I was, thinking that I might die. And feeling it, too.

I was diagnosed to have acoustic neuroma, a kind of brain tumor which has its origins from the overly active Schwann cells of the hearing nerve, several days after I gave birth. The brain surgeon ( who was incidentally the father of one of my students, whose family ...yep...,family, accompanied me months earlier for my first prenatal check-up),who diagnosed it thought I should have the operation at home "surrounded by family and friends" and I should have it "ASAP". These further compounded my feeling that it was serious.

I felt depressed, I did not like to celebrate my birthday. What is there to celebrate? Life.. ha ha. I did not like so much to bond with my newborn. It is just as well as I do not have milk for her. I felt sad. I felt angry. I even have an irrational anger towards Yodi, my bitter-half. He will be able to see the children grow, while I can't. He will be a part of their lives while my being part of their lives will be gone. My newborn will not even know me. I've touched bottom. And these were felt while having headaches and other symptoms of my affliction. I can now pop those headache pills because I no longer have a child growing inside me. Pop I did, every two hours- sometimes less, I drank one pill,that was originally for a frequency of every four hours. I did not care. I was too sick and depressed to care.

But I did not show all these to Yodi. I tried to be brave for him. It was bad enough having such. Worse If I make him feel bad. It was also that depressing because we received the diagnosis in a foreign land, on a cold winter's day. We were surrounded by warm and supportive Chinese friends while I was diagnosed, but nothing beats being home.

People brought flowers, food, fruits, teddy bears, and support.
Only a handful know, though, that I had brain tumor. My fellow teachers came to visit. My students did, too. One fellow teacher did not like to see me because I was told that he did not know what to say (I understood, bec this is my reaction when I am told that somebody has cancer or some terminal disease). I tried to show a stronger face. I sat down when they came and tried not to stand up so that they will not see that I am losing my balance (or my balance is that bad compared to a month earlier). I chatted with people over the internet, but what they do not know is that Yodi is doing the typing for me because my sight was also in botches. He read things for me while I was draped on a nearby sofa, and Kai, our newborn is sleeping on the other one.

My feelings alternated between hope and hopelessness, joy over the birth of Kai and depression because of my affliction, anger and love for Yodi who gave me strength.

In the meantime, we waited. We waited for the papers of Kai to be done. We waited for the time we will be home. We waited..........