Tuesday, March 16, 2010

why me?

Sometimes I cannot help but ask, why did this happen to me? Why did I have a tumor, a brain tumor at that? I thought it only happened to other people or to some unfortunate soul in the movies.

Is it something I did? Karma? Is it karma? Am I being punished? What did I do? Do I deserve this? Am I that bad to have had that affliction? I think there are worse people than me (according to my judgment)yet they are scot-free from any disease.

Or is it something I did not do like I did not forward the chain letter and just kept it in my inbox? Or I did not heed the signs (such as extreme head aches, loss of hearing, imbalance--- among others)that is why it became as big as this? Or were there absence of manifestations of the usual symptoms? Or is it because I did not give a coin to a beggar tugging my sleeves at the market?

Mama is blaming herself because of the tumor. "Pinabayaan kitang mauntog.... pero hindi, ..hindi kita pinabayaan". I know it is no more than her fault than mine.

I may have had the tumor since I was 11 years old. This is based on the size (5 cms by 4.68 cms, the average annual growth of the tumor (1 to 1.5 millimeters--- yes, it is a very slow growing one), and my age. Thirty-three years... long time. I think this explains my very high tolerance for pain. I grew accustomed to it through the years. (That, Dr. Gap, is your answer when you wondered allowed how I withstood the pain that came with the hydrocephalus).

I have read a lot about AN to search for the answers.But I do not have all of them. One thing is sure, that it is rare and it is sporadic. It does not choose which person it grows on. Neither does a person magnet it because of his diet or because of what he did.

With this, I rest my case and my introspection. I had it, it is a fact. Coping with it and its after effects is the most logical thing to do. Now, to the gym I go.....

5 comments:

  1. go ninang bits! :) The great, amazing thing is that you're so alive and that right now, it's off to the gym you go. :D

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  2. alive, walking, and talking....celebrating! hi ho, hi ho, .... of to the gym I go.....

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  3. If it was Karma, it may have been something you did in another lifetime and you are unaware of it. I sometimes wonder about my asthma and allergies the same way.

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